sex for women:
two days before date with lover-to-be: skip breakfast. remove all evidence of hair on legs, armpits, labia, around anus, inside nose, moustache, toes, arms; wherever there’s a follicle, uproot its produce. with the exception of the follicles on your head of course. those follicles are okay, massage them, oil them, style their produce. go to the salon and get a blow-out. wear hoodie even if it’s a sunny day so hair doesn’t curl in the slightest. spend the rest of the day shopping. buy a sexy outfit, or two in case you change your mind. and purchase shoes, a girl can never have enough shoes. go home and do 1000 sit-ups. clean and scrub every corner of your house. when your neighbour is not looking, sweep away dirt in front of their door too. skip dinner. try on different colour sets of underwear. take a selfie. one day before date with lover-to-be: skip breakfast. do an extra hour in gym working only on glutes. read online articles about what men find attractive. read your horoscope and take it literally. if horoscope says you are about to meet love of your life, maybe see a tarot reader for further clarification. get a manicure and pedicure in same colour as underwear you plan to wear. do sheet masks, eye masks, foot masks, décolletage masks and scrub rest of body. get beauty sleep. on the day of date with lover-to-be: skip breakfast. do 15, 000 000 kegels. if for some reason you’re not able to do that many, stuff your vagina with three ben wa balls. sorry, wa? don’t worry, just use anything with weights, plum- or crystal stones maybe. pamper your pussy, wash and powder her until she is soft like a baby’s bottom. rub scented oils all over body. get dressed. take a selfie. dab perfume where you want to be kissed. polish teeth with express whitener. during date with lover-to be: laugh a lot, even if date is talking about the stock market or the war in Syria. make sure you laugh deeply and heartily, to give a semblance of happiness. be impressed with anything he says that could be interpreted as feminist. yes, even that thing about how he once made a female colleague a cup of tea deserves admiration. be especially impressed when he talks about how much he respects all the strong women in his family. don’t be too intimidating and talk about trivial achievements like your phd in the philosophy of computer science. tell him you like his eyes and mean it. eat, finally (!), but little. order a cocktail and get tipsy. talk about yourself in third person, say “she might like that”, when asked if you would like to have one more drink somewhere else. don’t be yourself. be coquettish and seductive. pout lips, squint eyes and flick hair, as you read in the online article – it signals approval. during sex with lover-that-now-is-finally-happening (yay!): shyly bring out condom. say no to oral sex (“because the dick is enough to drive you wild”). softly say “ooh-oouch” when he enters you. tell him to be careful because “he’s so big” or “you’re so tight” or equivalent. touch yourself narcissistically. stroke your waist, grab your ass like dough, twerk it, wriggle, wreath. if you can – lick your nipples. don’t forget to moan – aim for the sound of a loud television, somewhere around 70 decibel. ask for your pussy to be fucked. say “spank me, papi”. perform whatever move that is closest to acrobatics that you can muster but *(this is important)* clench your asshole so you don’t fart. whatever you do, don’t fart. make reassuring comments of the type “oh, amazing”, “that’s perfect” “right there”. be bossy too, say “stronger” “harder” but never “softer” or “gentler”. [fake] orgasm after three minutes, five minutes max. say and feel “mmm.”
sex for men:
on the day of date with lover-to-be: watch porn before date so if you get lucky you don’t cum too soon. quick shower. meet date. go to date’s house. have sex. say “i’m about to cum”. bust, too soon.
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Hi! I’m Minna Salami. I’m a writer, blogger, columnist, lecturer and speaker and the founder of the feminist blog, MsAfropolitan, which connects feminism to contemporary culture from an Africa-centred perspective. I’ve been listed alongside Michelle Obama and Angelina Jolie as one of “twelve women changing the world” by ELLE and my work has been used as a resource and case study at universities around the world. Like what you just read? Sign up above to receive new posts directly in your inbox.