How not to come out of the closet


For many years I’ve kept this secret, but I’m now ready to get out of the closet and reveal that I am straight. Yes, heterosexual.
I know, I know, it’s controversial for a woman to be straight nowadays, but I’ll try to cope with the discerning looks from passersby when I walk hand in hand with a man and I’ll try not to surprise anyone by revealing that I find men can be fascinatingly attractive.

Hear me out, I’m not patronising lesbians. In fact, I’m writing this post partly because I can’t stand it when people do, and partly because I wanted to pull a Ricky Martin and reveal an obvious sexual status.

And I truly don’t mean to sound like a broken record, I already blogged about female pop stars getting naked so I’ll say this quickly. I can’t fucking believe this video. In my opinion, it’s so disrespectful to bona fide lesbians who find women attractive in REAL life and not just as performing clowns, and also as I stated in a tweet yesterday, I find controversy for the sake of controversy (rather than actually having something to say) distasteful.

Thank GOD I don’t have kids.
How do you possibly prevent your kids from being badly influenced by pop culture??

Speaking of kids, I found this column by Sasha Slater refreshingly frank. Admitting that becoming a mother, as spiritually and emotionally mind blowing as it must be, also can be a bit of a trial is what I’d consider the first step towards actually creating a social structure that’s beneficial to mothers.
Sometimes I wonder whether God, or whatever created me, forgot to set the alarm on my biological clock. It’s not this god’s fault of course, it is in fact that both the 30something-babieless-single-woman-in-state-of-panic and 30-something-mother/careerwoman/wife-can-do-it-all-woman frighten the shit out of me and there seems to be no other options.
Jokes aside, I find there is something very soothing about my Afropolitan experience and my being from, and relating to, such different worlds.
Earlier this year in Nigeria, my family and I followed out tradition of morning prayers with an Imam. At one point the Imam paused to translate the Arabic prayers to me. Turns out, we had all just prayed for Allah to bless me with children this year.
Somehow, although my life here in London is miles from those precious but nevertheless pseudo-Islamic moments of mine, I find myself wondering, if things really were as simple and natural as a prayer, would I be waking up early to feed the kids, rather than hitting snooze on both my BB and my biological clock?


I’ve noticed that even here, in the blogosphere, there seems to be less communication between the many mom-blogs and those blogs written by baby-less women. Don’t we need to bridge the gap between mothers and non-mothers?

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  • teachermrw

    Co-signing on the Rihanna video.

    As for the communication gap between mothers and non-mothers, I think what we see being played out in the blogosphere is merely what we see being played out in direct person-to-person interaction. The fact of the matter is, I think mothers and non-mothers feel they have very little in common, especially if one is motherless and partnerless. I know that my life is very different from that of a mom with a partner, and all of the things that come with it. I find that in my own personal interactions with women with children, I find that having things to say that are mutually in common is a struggle. I mean, I try, but, I often feel that I am doing much of the work in such interactions. I ask about kids, partner, and life in general, but, I rarely get the same degree of interest from them with respect to my life. I have parents, an older sibling, and interests. Perhaps the perception is that my life without partner and children isn’t as interesting as their lives.

    • MsAfropolitan

      It’s a shame that we don’t communicate online and most importantly face to face.
      I have a few friends that I love even more because they stayed just the same after becoming mother, in fact one in particular (I hope she reads my blog, she’ll recognize herself) has such a wonderfully cynical take on motherhood, that I absolutely love being around her and the kids. It’s not that she doesn’t love them and love being a mom, but it makes even me a tiny bit broody when she rolls her eyes at having to change diapers (again) and says ‘oh the fucking joys of motherhood’.
      When I’m with a mom-friend who constantly yawns when I talk about a hobby or a date or a new dress I wanna buy, and proceeds to tell me how it’s actually alright to wake 5am every day, I can’t help but wish I don’t ever become that indifferent.

      I think most women are quite interested in what motherhood is like, well I’m happy to listen to the details of motherhood with intensity anyway, I AM interested in what diaper brand is best, or whether it’s normal for a baby to shit every 5mins. But come at me from an honest angle,

      It’s wrong to assume that life w/o partner/kids is not as interesting, and we all go through phases in life. At the end of the day, we just need to connect as women. Not as mothers, partners etc., as women

      Thanks for sharing reflective thoughts

  • Amaka

    Yup. I agree. There is an invisible crater dividing the two groups. I think it has to do with people’s idea of what moving on or progress entails. Many women get sucked into relationships mind body and soul. They literally disappear from their friends’ radar. Though the enormity of the arrival of a baby can be understood by us babyless women, it is usually an unconscious decision to dismiss one’s former life that is the problem. The reasons for this may vary from person to person. Hoewever, I have friends who have had kids and not lost touch with who they were before they embarked on this challenging and rewarding path called family life. I admire them for taking changes in their lives in stride, and for making me understand that this is but one facet (albeit a large one) of who they are.

    • MsAfropolitan

      Hi, thanks for commenting Amaka :) Expressed lucidly, and the idea that some women unconsciously dismiss the former lives is making me think and wonder…

      Life is all about energies, and I sadly feel sometime that the energies b/w women changes when a baby comes into the picture. It might also be my fault though, at times you just assume that your friend doesn’t want to hear about your babyless life any longer, and she in return might feel that I don’t want to share with her any longer.
      All this leads to a part of a bigger problem, such as for ex, most men still hang out with their single as well as married friends, so as a mom if all your friends are moms too, it means your lifestyle and your mans lifestyle can start to become different. etc etc.

      Funny enough, yesterday just after writing this post, i went to the park and was surrounded by a group of women who sat in the shade, new born babies in hand/pram and long non-revealing dresses on. As I got undressed into my eeny-teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini (lol ok wasnt yellow and no polka dots) and spread my blanket smack-bang in the sun, I felt their almost condescending glare on me, but then I smiled at them warmly and guess what? they all smiled back, warmly.
      It was a passing moment, but powerful, and it made me realise that I too need t make an effort to bridge the gap between myself and those women who are just like me trying to make the most of things

  • Saratu

    Don’t get me started on that music video.

    I actually don’t mind the song. Indeed, it’s one of my favorites on the album (It was 5 dollars, and I was curious! What??!). I tend to think that the girl-on-girl business is mostly a symptom of a larger problem where women feel like they need to do certain things to fulfill some male fantasy. Of course, if a girl is simply bi-curious, then that’s something different. But usually it’s to make some guy happy, or to enhance one’s status as a sex symbol (like this video).

    I think what annoys me most is that is affects what a guy expects in a real relationship with a real girl (Next thing you know, your guy starts asking you to do really weird things and you just look at him like “HUH??”) In a lot of ways, what we watch tends to blur the line between what we want and what we think we want, and things like this just tend to push women on further and further in their need to feel desired.

    • MsAfropolitan

      Well, if it makes you feel better about your (justified) purchase you should have seen me out this weekend dancing to ‘rude boy’, in the middle of the tune a friend asked – aren’t you on a rihanna crusade?lol
      Which of course I’m not, but yes, all these videos are creating unrealistic perceptions and expectations on women, and in relationships, and it feels like a bigger gap in understanding male and female desires is the last thing we need.

  • Vickii

    I love that this was clearly written while you were in the heat of everything you were feeling!

    First of all, I think most of your friends have suspected for a while that you’re straight but I’m glad you finally feel comfortable enough to come out 😀 We accept you completely! ;p

    I’ve just watched this video and I understand completely what you mean. This is just Rihanna playing up to the most obvious male fantasy of two beautiful women together, while trying to be controversial. But in some ways, I admire Rihanna and want to believe that in the future, she will grow into a woman who attracts controversy because she stands for something. She is young which I think accounts for her behaviour now but even then, the fact that she dares to put herself out there in a way that other singers her age have never dared to – instead conforming to the cookie cutter, disney kid’s club image – is, I think, promising. Funny, I didn’t realise I thought this about Rihanna till I wrote it!

    Since I don’t have anything better to say about the ‘bridge between mothers and non mothers’ conversation than has already been said by you and the other commentators, my contribution is it brought to mind that episode of SATC where Carrie gets her shoes stolen at a baby christening/shower/birthday party (can’t remember exactly) and then she gets indignant at how many times she’s bought wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and christening presents for her friends who have gotten married and had kids while her achievements haven’t been celebrated, simply because they’re not recognised in the same way. Then she registers for a new pair of shoes 😀

    • MsAfropolitan

      Firstly, thanks for accepting me as I am :)

      I too hope that Rihanna can develop into a woman who stands for something meaningful, I think her youth is what makes her vulnerable.
      She was interviewed on J Ross a few weeks back, and it was actually shocking to realise exactly how young and childish she is as when you see the videos you forget.

      Nevertheless, she is an icon for young girls and that’s my main problem with what she does.

      Oh I do love that SATC reference, it explains it in a nutshell.

  • Darryl Frierson

    Interesting perspective on the whole societal feel of everything being gay or cool to be gay from the UK/African perspective. I know there are truly gay people born of it but does every person have to be gay or have gay tendencies.

    • MsAfropolitan

      Hey Darryl, you know, even if every one did have gay tendencies then fine with me. But when celebs seemingly have gay tendencies to boost their sales, I think it’s disrepectful and telling of how messed up pop culture often is.
      Thanks for visiting my blog, and sharing

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